Summer Blues

I haven't written lately because, frankly, I haven't had much to write or had much desire.
I don't know if it is the lack of projects, lack of interaction with multiple people on a daily basis or what, but I always seem to suffer from the Summer Blues. The blues usually start at the end of June and last quite awhile.
I have been looking for a new job, without much luck. I have had 2 INCREDIBLE interviews and really thought I'd hear something by now. I have been in a REAL pinch financially, the paychecks just don't seem to stretch as far when I'm home for the summer.I struggle constantly with trying to help out everyone and solve every ones problems. I had a big fight with a friend that shook me to the core. I have been worried and generally about to lose it for a few weeks.
With all the stress I've been under, I got scared and then just lost it like a total crazy person. I have been so sick with regret the past few days I have just closed myself off.
So all of that is just keeping me blue.
What do I do to fix any of those things? I don't know. I don't know if I can. All I know to do at this point is pray. Pray for God to intervene. Pray for forgiveness. Pray that I can accept that I have messed up in a lot of situations and do my best to not mess up again. Pray that I am given second chances where second chances can be given. Pray that I do not let my past dictate my future.
My past. There is a blog entry that would go on forever. The physical, mental, and emotional abuse I have endured in my dating life has held me back from trusting people for so long. I don't want that to be the case any longer. However, it may be too late for it to matter in certain instances.
All I can do though, is move forward from my mistakes and not let my past interfere anymore. I just hope I can prove to people, and myself, that the realization I had last week was not a fluke and I have really put all those things behind me.
God says to lay all your cares upon Him for He cares for you. He says that we need to forgive those who trespass against us. I firmly believe that if I don't do this, if I can't lay it all down and forgive those boys (because they aren't men) who hurt me...I won't be able to let anyone in and I will be kept from God and from finding my happiness.
I just hope that those that I have hurt or made angry can find it in THEIR hearts to forgive me and give me another chance.

Is it just me, or is it bitter in here?

I never really thought of myself as bitter or angry. I am not one of the girls who wears all black and writes really bad poetry. I guess I went through that phase, I think almost everyone does at one point. I think I did it more out of irony and because my friends were dressing in all black, with the black nails and ridiculous Hot Topic/Thrift store clothing.
I'm not really talking about that kind of bitter and anger though. I'm talking about being annoyed and disgusted when I see happy couples together, or a friend of mine that is pregnant or just had a baby. I'm talking about getting frustrated and jealous that it isn't me. 
I realize that I will get to have all that stuff one day, when God says it's time. I know it. I'm just so tired of waiting.
I recently dated a guy that I didn't have much in common with because I thought, "Well, he is the exact opposite of every single guy I have ever dated, so therefore....this relationship will have a different outcome and the only possible difference could be that this one lasts forever!" Genius I am not. It fizzled out just like every other relationship I have been in. It wasn't any one's fault, it just happened.
In the past 10 years, since I have graduated high school, the longest relationship I have been in was 2 years and that was a continuation from high school. Other than that one, the longest a relationship has lasted was, 5 months. That's it. I am looking at people I know and think, SERIOUSLY? They get to have a husband and baby and not ME? That just doesn't seem right. I will complain and moan on facebook or whatever, and people will criticize me. Now, please stop me if I am wrong, but....who cares? Who cares if I complain every once in awhile about being single? Who cares if I complain every single hour on the hour about it? I am pretty sure that whomever I do eventually marry will know me and will know that I complain, a lot. He will know that I am dramatic, a lot. He will probably have seen all the bad sides of me and will love me anyway. So, knowing these facts, why do you people care if I make fun of myself and tell me to "hide my crazy"??? I'm pretty sure everyone has already received the Tara is a Goober Memo. You don't want to read about me and my future full of cats, don't read it.
I also think that something that really bothers me is how some people treat marriage and their partners now a days. That may make me sound old fashioned but honestly! I was out with friends once and I was watching a couple that were at a table next to us. They started talking loudly about being in an "open relationship". On what planet is that OK? I don't understand. I always kinda figured its hard enough to get ONE guy, now you want me to try and keep more than one happy at a time? "Ain't no body got time for that"
Not to mention the gray areas of what constitutes cheating and Tara Doesn't Share Food Let Alone People. I just don't get it. Bitterness that people like THAT with zero moral compass are finding each other and I can't get a guy to go get some Fro Yo with me? It is ensuing. It makes me mad that people who don't cherish the institution of marriage and each other are treating marriage like a box you check on the list of Now I'm Considered A Grown Up.
Anyway...I have finally given it over to God. I'm trying to not be so angry about my failed relationships. I'm tired of putting on make up and going to bars to flirt with guys who, in all honesty I wouldn't put up high on the Suitable Marriage Material List. When I have kids I don't want them to ask me how I met their daddy and me say, "Well, peanut, Mommy used to wear really high heels and lots of eyeliner and go drink margaritas. Daddy thought mommy looked pretty through all the smoke and alcohol haze and that's how we met!"
I firmly believe that God will put the man I'm supposed to be with in my life when it's the right time and He will use some other way than bar hopping.

Been a Long Time, but I'm Back in Town

WOW!

I have been so incredibly busy I have not blogged in a long time, sorry about that guys! I am sure you are all in a huge panic and very sad that you haven't heard from me, all....1 of you. :)

Well, the school year is now over and I am at home for the summer. The year ended without fanfare or many tears. I quickly and quietly packed my things and slinked away. I am now in the process of trying to find a new job. I want to be somewhere where I am wanted. I have quite a few applications out in the universe and I am hopeful.

I've also had a loss in my life recently. My (for lack of a better term and because he may as well be) step-dad's mother passed away after a looong illness. It was and still is really sad. I hate that she is gone and he and my mom are hurting, but I know she is in a better place and no longer hurting.
I really struggled with the whole thing leading up to her death. I hated how much pain she was in, I hated that my mom and step-dad were so tired and having to watch her waste away. It just didn't seem fair. I was really frustrated that everything seemed to fall on them and no one else would help.
But. Its all in the past now and I hope that God will provide the grace, healing and strength it will take to get through this time.

I also found out that my ex (the subject of a couple of my blogs) lied to me and is in a relationship with a girl he lied to me about on many different occasions before. I found out right after I had emailed him my letter I posted last time. The pain I felt was bad, but I was so angry about him lying to me. I should have known better. I wish I didn't give people the benefit of the doubt so often. I don't know if it's a good thing or not about my character. I wish I was a little more skeptical about people and their intentions.

All in all, I have REALLY been trying to get my life back on track and get my relationship with God stronger. I feel like I have succeeded so far. I have been praying some pretty specific prayers and I am truly seeing God work in my life and answer those prayers.

I have always struggled with loneliness. I have some good friends but for some reason I have never let myself be fully candid and myself around them. I always hide a part of myself. I saw these girls I grew up with and they were all best friends. There was no doubt that they were the popular girls at school and at church. I never had much in common with them and I never felt like I was good enough to be their friend. We were nice to one another for the most part, but there wasn't a friendship. Now I have a couple of friends, but we aren't in the same place in our lives. They are getting married or on the other end of the spectrum and not anywhere close to being ready to settle down. I feel like I am in the middle. Same with those girls I grew up with. They are all married with kids. I'm left out. I feel like a puzzle piece that, no matter which way you turn me, I don't fit in any spot. I'm working on that though. I am trying to find my place.
I have been praying about God sending me a friend. Someone who will help me with my Christian walk and be a real, true, friend. Two days after I poured out my heart to God, I got an email from one of those girls I have nothing in common with inviting me to something. It felt good to be included and I don't know, maybe it's the start of something. She doesn't know it, but she was answering a desperate prayer. (she probably knows now if she read this though. lol)
Never doubt that you are needed by someone. You have no idea how just a simple email, smile, or acknowledgment can encourage a person. You may not feel like you do much good for the world as a whole, but you may just make someone's day increasingly better by just being friendly.
Since this blog is kind of all over the place I will end it here. I hope you all have a blessed day and week. Smile. Laugh. Love. Enjoy the little things, you may one day find that those "little things" were actually the "big things" that you couldn't live without.

Much Love My Lovelies!



Letter to My Ex

I posted awhile back about letting my ex back into my life. I was warned again and again about how he would never change, and everyone was right. I felt that I needed to give him the benefit of the doubt and let him prove himself to me.
I can't begin to tell you how badly it hurts my heart and pride to have to admit that I was wrong. I just wanted, on the tail end of a failed relationship , to believe that people could change and maybe my prince was coming back for me.
I am embarrassed and hurt and let me tell you....it stinks. I really thought this would work this time. We have only tried to have a relationship for the past 6 years off and on. However...he did his famous vanishing act again and proved himself to still be the exact same man he always was.
I wrote him an email. He refuses to answer my calls and text messages or reply to my emails, but I needed him to know some things. I don't know if he will read it or understand it. I know he won't respond, but at least my feelings are out there and hopefully, he will one day begin to understand everything from my point of view.

Heres the letter:

Well. This is it, I guess.
I forgive you for everything. In spite of all the previous evidence, I believe you will turn out to be a good man. I know I won't be around to see it, but I really hope that I am right.
Thank you.
Thank you for showing me how strong I am and how capable of love and forgiveness I am. Thank you for showing me what kind of man, and for that matter just what kind of basic friend, I deserve.
I know exactly who I am and what I need, want, expect, and deserve out of life, since you became part of my world and heart 6 years ago.
I hope you find peace and stop running from love and what God has planned for you.
I'm sorry I wasn't the person to show you what you can be. I'm sorry I loved you too much. I'm sorry I kept pushing you to love me back.
You will never know the amount of space you take up in my heart and how much I learned from you.
I guess this is goodbye. I really do wish you the best in life. I just, I can't be a witness to it and possibly one day see you with another woman. It will hurt too much. Maybe one day we can have that truce I told you about. I don't know.
But as always and forever,

All My Love,
Tara



That letter should really go to every single man I have ever dated. Every guy who has hurt me or just made me not feel good enough. I really should just go ahead and make a bunch of copies and send them out. A Form Letter of sorts. But. With him...he really did teach me a lot about myself. I honestly can thank him for that.

I really don't have much else to say right now. My heart is tender and my emotions are on edge. I am strong and know I will come out on top. Right now though? I need a bath and a good book and some prayer time with God.
Love you my lovely readers!

Get Tough

I am picturing this scene from a movie. It was one of my favorite movies as a kid solely because Devon Sawa was one of the stars. You see a montage of different children getting ready for their first ever peewee football game. Some kids are getting in bed to get a full nights rest, a couple are doing some extra practice, different ways of getting ready for their BIG DAY.  I particularly remember a kid putting lines under his eyes and ending up covered in the black grease. The day before, if memory serves me correctly, they were coached by the Dallas Cowboys. They were taught to be tough and to keep up the good work and keep heart because they could win, even as underdogs. They were the Little Giants.

 Being taught to be tough is a great thing. There are different versions of being tough. There are different ways of getting ready to fight. There are different types of fights.

The fight I am facing is an emotional and spiritual battle. I have been reading about how to go into this war and how I can win. I have been fighting this battle for a long time it seems and I haven't gotten even close to the end of it. I have people attacking me and my character. I have lost some good friends. I've gotten so lonely I lay in bed at night and cry. I have been told things that hurt me so deeply, I am sure there are scars. I don't have much left to lose at this point.

I have tried so hard to do things on my own and do them well. Job requirements, having talks with friends, making decisions, etc. No wonder I am flailing about and drowning. No wonder I can't seem to come out on top and win. I'm not going to God first and letting Him handle everything. God knows my heart, He hears my "pleas for mercy." (Psalm 28:6&7) He has never failed in any of His promises. (1Kings 8:56) Why don't I just let Him have all the things that hurt me and are causing me so much heartache? I don't have to do much soul searching to figure that one out. It's the same reason that ALWAYS keeps me from following God's will. I am afraid of what He will do with my life if I totally give it all over to Him.

The truth is, I don't know what God will do with my life if I let Him have it. I am still so selfish that I want to do everything my way. I want to finish college and have a fabulous job. I want to meet a wonderful man and fall in love. I want to get married and have my own little house and have babies. I want to be able to live the life that I want.

What do I honestly need to fear though? Do I honestly think I can do a better job of running my life than God? If I trust in Him and don't depend on me, myself, and I; He will make my paths straight (Proverbs 3:5&6)and give me the most amazing life I could ever imagine. I gotta put on that armour of God and let Him guide my paths. (Ephesians 6:10-18)

I have to get tough and trust that God knows what He is doing in my life. I can't lay down and give up the fight. I need to pray for my enemies. I need to seek comfort from His Word and through prayer. I need to ask my friends to pray for me and I need to realize I can't do this all on my own. I have to accept help. I am not very good at accepting help. I like to think myself Wonder Woman.

I had a conversation with a friend through email last night. I was telling him all about what was going on with me and he flattered me by saying how strong I am and how I will come out of all of it more than OK. Whether that's the case or not, whether I am strong or not, him telling me I am and encouraging me made me feel so much better. I will never be able to thank him for being there for me through what seems like all the tragedies of my life. I don't deserve to have a friend like him. A good man who I know I have not treated very well. Yet, when I said I needed prayer and help, he said, "Of course".

So. How do I NOT see myself as Wonder Woman? How do I pray for this help and comfort though? I have been doing this stuff on my own for so long, I am not sure how to. I know how to have a major emotional and mental meltdown. I know how to lock myself in the bathroom and cry. I know how to retreat from the world and ignore everyone and lose myself in my own despair. I'm a PRO at all of that. But. That won't help me. None of those things will help me win the battle. Lately I have read books where people "pray the Word" when they don't know what to ask or say to God. I am going to do that. I am not terribly comfortable with the thought of it though. I guess I figure that's cheating or something. Then I found this: Psalm 25:16-18 "Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged; bring me out of my distresses. Consider my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins." That pretty much sums it all up, doesn't it?

I need God to be gracious to me. I need him to show me mercy and comfort me though my time of need. I need Him. Period. There is no way I CAN'T win with my family, friends, and Him on my side.

Forgiveness and Stuff

Forgive and Forget. Wipe the slate clean. Kiss and Make up. Let By Gones be By Gones. However you want to say it, it all means the same thing. Someone, maybe that someone is you, messes up and the other person excuses the behavior or transgression and you both start over.
I have forgiven people in my life that probably didn't deserve forgiveness. They hurt me in some way or another, but I let it go and wiped the slate clean. I don't know why it has become so necessary for me to forgive these people, especially lately, but I really feel strongly about forgiveness. I have seen what NOT forgiving someone can do to your life. I do not want that to be me. I do not want to hold grudges and let past hurts dictate my life.
Life is too short to not forgive people. We are all human and all make mistakes. How on EARTH would we all get ANYWHERE if we didn't forgive each other? No one would ever be friends or lovers. We would all be stomping around with scowls on our faces hating life! I can't possibly do that. Everyone would be miserable. I have some of those bitter people in my life right now and I just want to avoid them at all costs. It's not funny or fun to be around jaded and hate filled people.
There is a man who has hurt me in the past. Broken my heart and left me crying on the floor asking why he didn't love me. He's asked for my forgiveness, a few times, and every time I give it to him. I may not ever know WHY he hurt me and he may not know either, but that's OK. God doesn't ask us for reasons why we sin against Him. God doesn't refuse to forgive us when we mess up 47 different times. If we come to Him and ask Him to forgive us with a genuine and repentant heart, He will. I keep saying that I want to be more like Jesus and I want to have true Joy and Peace. How am I supposed to do that if I refuse to give someone forgiveness. If I refuse to say, "I believe you are sorry and I accept your apology." There is no way.

Now, do I believe that he won't hurt me again? No. It takes more than a simple apology to make me trust his intentions.

Some people really don't understand how I can keep forgiving him for how he hurt me and treated me. I don't understand it myself, truthfully. People say he will just do it again and he will manipulate me and break my heart and leave me back on that bathroom floor crying. Yes. He might. I am not saying I am going to run away to Paris and marry him. I AM saying that I forgive him. After time has passes, and if I see a sincere change, maybe I will trust him again with my heart. I can't live my life wondering what if and I can't live my life not forgiving. Forgiveness doesn't mean you don't have fears and uncertainties. You may disagree with me and my choice to let the past be the past. That's OK. I don't expect anyone who was around when he hurt me to agree with this. I remember what it was like. It isn't logical. It IS what I need to do to have peace in my heart though.
I am not stepping into this lightly. I am being careful and leaving every single part of it in God's hands. I am taking care to guard my heart. I am in charge of where this goes and what parts of my heart I give. I know what I am doing. I want you to understand that just because I forgive him, doesn't mean I forget every pang and tear. I want you to trust me in this.

There is a saying that the truth will set you free. I don't think it really means the truth as in not lying. I think it means, the Truth, Jesus. The Way The Truth and The Life. Jesus will set you free if you allow Him into your heart and life. I am trying to let Jesus set me free. I am trying to let Him have my burdens and my hurts and my grudges that I am still hanging on to.
I fully trust and believe that God has His hand in my life and will continue to do so. I fully believe that God is in control. I fully believe that He will not allow me to be hurt beyond repair and He will not give me more than I can handle. I know He will take care of me, just as He always has done and always will do.

Self-ish VS Self-less

I'm a big fan of being a Daddy's Girl. Big Fan. I'm also a Mommas Girl. I know if I absolutely want something or need something and I can't get it on my own, my parents will do whatever they can to help me. I do not think I am a selfish person because of this fact. I think I am just very blessed to have parents who put my happiness up there on the top of their priorities list. I have always struggled with thinking I may be selfish, though. Especially when people tell me and tell my friends how selfish and spoiled I am. That really hurts me.

I recently had a falling out with a friend. I have been going through a lot of stuff in my personal life and because I felt like those things took precedent over going out on the weekends, I was dubbed a selfish brat. Let me get one thing straight, my family comes first. I have made that abundantly clear to anyone and everyone in my life. If that makes me selfish, I guess I am selfish. I do not think it makes me self centered when I am worried about family members...but maybe I'm just crazy.

I try very hard to be a good friend. I go out of my way to attend birthday parties for children and relatives, I answer the phone at 2 AM to be a comfort to someone who is upset, I go out with people I do not particularly like to make my friends more comfortable. I do a lot. However, during the past 2 months when I have been the friend in need, I have hardly gotten a comforting text message, let alone anything else. I have bit my tongue. I have not complained. I have just decided that this is how it will be. Then I am labeled the selfish one? I don't think so. I would like to think I am being Self-less....

God wants us to be selfless. He wants us to be like Jesus and give all of ourselves to Him and His Will. He wants us to lay down our lives for our friends. He tells us to Treat Others The Way We Would Like To Be Treated.

I am learning how to do this. I a trying to grow into a bigger better person. I have already done ALOT of growing lately and with that growing comes growing pains. I remember when my little brother was younger and he had what the doctor called growing pains. His legs would be rigid and he would cry and cry. My growing pains aren't of the physical nature though. Mine are of the emotional and spiritual nature. I am losing friends, friends I thought were going to be there forever. I did what I thought was best and what I thought Jesus would have me do in a situation and I lost a friend because of it. That hurts. I will probably lose a lot more friends too. I consider it all worth it though. I am doing God's Will. I am being the daughter, sister, cousin, niece, and friend that God wants me to be.
I do not begrudge anyone anything. I don't hope that someone will fail or lose a relationship because of the choices they made. I hope the best for them. God has a specific plan for everyone. I just really want to know for sure that I am following His plan for Me.
I think I am following His plan for me because I feel peace. Of course I am sad that I am losing these people from my life, but I know I will be OK. I have total peace about it. I know it will be hard and I won't be this content with my decisions all the time, but I know I will be OK. I know its for a REASON.
That's what faith is....we may not know the reason, we may not understand the path, but we have FAITH that its for the best. Do I wish I had some say so in the plan? YES! I want to go back to college, I want to get married and have little babies and live a wonderful (relatively easy) life. None of that is what He has for me right this second though. If I was being the selfish person I have the ability to be, I would be doing what I wanted any way and forcing my plan into action. But. I will wait and pray and Seek God's Will.

I am finally finding my joy, a little at a time, and its by doing the right thing for me and the right thing by my loved ones. I want to be selfless and be able to praise God in whatever circumstance I am in. I will do whatever it takes to get there.

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

Prayer is something I have been trying to get better at. I don't necessarily want to have the confidence and ability to be able to stand before thousands of people and pray and leave everyone feeling amazing. I just want to be able to pray in a way that makes ME feel amazing.

I have always shied away from praying in public, even just at meal times. I'm not comfortable with it and that hurts my heart. I'm not comfortable talking to God in front of others? Why not??? That's ridiculous. I'm pretty sure God doesn't care if I am eloquent and say all the right things. As for the people I'm praying in front of, I shouldn't care what they think. I am not talking to them. I'm talking to God. However, I am really self conscious about praying in front of others.

There is this girl I grew up with at my church. She no longer goes to our church, but when she did and I got to hear her pray? WOW. That girl could make you feel Jesus in the room and you just KNEW He was doing something wonderful and spectacular.

I think a big part of my problem is, I want instantaneous responses from God. I want to have a legitimate conversation with Him and have Him reply back. I hear people say, "Oh well, God always answers prayer. He may just not give you the answer you want!" OK....Well....I have to let you in on a little secret. I don't always know when He answers me anyway. Up until about 5 years ago, my prayers consisted of

"Bless my mom, dad, brother, and sister. Please protect us throughout the night and "...if I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take..." Amen."

Other than that, I was just about out of the prayer loop. I didn't know what else to say or do. I just would kinda close my eyes and try to stay awake. I'm just being honest.

Then.

A few years ago I REALLY started trying. I mean, I would light candles and put on worship music and close and lock my door. I put forth MAJOR effort. I would pray and pray and pray and just start reading from the Bible prayers that had obviously worked for David and Solomon and all those other guys. I would pray the songs I was listening to. I followed the J.O.Y. plan. Praise Jesus, Pray for Others, Pray for Yourself. I figured out, you don't have to pray exactly like the guys in the Bible. You don't have to use the KJV lingo or be all formal with your prayers. Just....talk. I should have no problem WHATSOEVER with that one. (Just ask my momma)

I figured out that I could write to God. I write letters to Him. Not like, "Hey God, Whats Up? How are you?" kind of letters, but like:

I carry my prayer journal with me every where I go, because, shocker....you can pray ANY time you want. It doesn't have to be at night time when it is time to go to sleep. If I am particularly frustrated at work or something, I can just write a prayer for serenity.
Years from now, I may read back over my prayers and think, Good Grief....you were worried about THAT? But I try not to judge "Past Tara" for what she thinks is important or scary or whatever. "Present Tara" is just so much cooler, calmer and more collected. She is just so much wiser, ya know? I may not need this prayer journal tool forever. I may be able to just burst into prayer in my heart and head and not need to write it down. I may not need to have actual physical evidence of God's amazing-ness in my life in my hands all the time.
However.
 It's neat though, for me to be able to look back on my prayers and remember stuff. It helps me to also THANK God...for bringing me this far...but I sure do have a loooong way left to go.

For the Love of Family

Wow friends, I haven't blogged in awhile! Sorry bout that.
Well, my uncle had to have a heart procedure done last week and then all this week we have been enjoying the wonderful world of standardized testing. THANKFULLY...that's all over and done with.
My uncle still may end up having a bypass done but we wont know for awhile if that's the case.
Another reason why I haven't kept up is because...um...this is embarrassing, I have become addicted to The Hunger Games series. *SIGH* I know, I know! Its Young Adult Fiction and I'm supposed to be a grown up. Well, tough. I am a Young Adult if you think about it. If you consider 60 to be OLD then I'm way on this side of 60, so I'm young and I'm an adult.

I'm absolutely, 100 percent, crazy about these books. I honestly didn't think I would enjoy them. Usually when something is so wildly popular and everyone is talking about it and there are movies and memorabilia and whatnot, I'm wary of it. Nothing can be THAT flippin good.

For example, the Twilight Phenomenon. Oy! I really and truly enjoyed the books. Yes, Bella as a character was kind of whiny and ridiculous but the overall feel of the books was pretty good. Then came the movies. That's where I lost interest. I WANTED to enjoy them, I really did. I just can't stand Kristen Stewart. Eeyore and Keanu Reeves had a baby and it was named Kristen Stewart.

The main thing I enjoy about these Hunger Games books, is that the female lead is strong and that is an encouragement to young girls and older girls alike. Yes, it is nice to have a boyfriend and have a lot of friends and all of those things, but your family comes first. You do what it takes to keep your loved ones safe. I love that about this character. Katniss volunteers to take her sisters place in this stupid and barbaric tradition and essentially saves her life. She didn't do it for glory or because someone told her to, she did it for love of her family.

I love my family. They are all nuts and drive me up the wall sometimes, but I love them. I see a few of them on a fairly regular basis but a lot of them live far away and it makes me sad that I am not as close to them as I was once. When my uncle was in the hospital having his procedure done we kept everyone up to date via text messages and facebook. Once upon a time, we all would have been there in the hospital together. All 47 of us. There aren't really 47 of us, but there are a lot.  I got to feeling very nostalgic for the way things used to be. Christmas, Thanksgiving, or even just random Saturdays consisted of us seeing each other. We would all pile into whomever's house could handle us all and we would just talk and hang out. I realize people grow up and move on and move out and do their own thing. I do. Situations and people change on a daily basis.







However, as I've come to realize this, I have also realized that I need to enjoy the times I do have and the chances I get to spend with my family. Life isn't over. I'm not on the clock here. Things are not the exact same as they were in 1998, but I still have opportunities to see some of the people I love. I just have to be willing to fight for it and for them. I have to be willing to fight for the love of my family.

I am....Lovin' It?

I can do this. Easy peasy lemon squeezy...totally got it. All I gotta do is FOCUS. I can eat right, exercise and meditate and be all calm and tranquil. I am going to be so ZEN!

MMMMM....McDonald's French Fries! Caramel Macchiato! Milky Ways! Couch feels goooood. Look! New game on facebook to play! Shoot bubbles into space from a witch's cauldron? Yes please!

Alrighty. This is not going according to plan. I know what I need to be doing instead of laying on the couch watching TV. And here are my excuses: I'm too tired after work. My job is slowly making me wish I lived under a rock, in a cave at the bottom of the ocean. I am so unbelievably unhappy with my general lot in life that I have no desire whatsoever to try and fix the things I CAN fix. I feel like I'm definitely on Fortune's Wheel right now. I was up at the top of everything just a couple months ago with a wonderful boyfriend, great friends, a job that I was finally getting the hang of and now it seems to me that it all just dissolved. I can't quite place my finger on the exact moment that everything went to crap. Its almost as if it went away so incredibly slowly that I didn't even realize it was happening at the time.

I don't know. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself...I just don't understand why it is so hard for me to figure out what the crap I am doing.
Every once in a great while I make a big fat proclamation saying that I am done being the timid girl that gets walked all over and I am going to start being selfish and make myself happy. It never works out. It never lasts. I always end up being the friend that will do anything and everything for every single person in my life to make their lives better, more comfortable, etc.
I have always had foul weathered friends. These are the friends that only want me around when its convenient for them. They are only around when everything is crap and they want me to fix it. Now, don't get me wrong. I DO have a couple of very good friends who are not like this. It just seems like the majority of people now-a-days are of the "What can You do for ME" camp of thought.
I don't want to become a selfish person and only look out for what others can do for me, but at what point does it become a point of survival? Does a person HAVE to become a selfish jackal to survive in the world? Do you have to look out for yourself and not believe the best in people? All I have ever wanted was a good group of friends with zero drama and lots of love and trust. People that I can always count on and know that they will be there during the good and bad times. Not too much to ask for, in my mind, but evidently its hard to find.

As usual when I write, I go off on a random tangent that has nothing to do with what my original thought was for this blog. I don't mean to come across as hateful or depressing. I am just frustrated that no one seems to be appreciative of who I am and what I do. No one seems to understand that I am trying to better myself and change my life a little at a time and its hard for me and I could use a little support. People want to have hurt feelings and make me feel bad about things that I just don't have the energy to deal with right now. I leave you with these parting words from Plato....

Don't be judgmental. You have no idea what the battle I am fighting right now involves and we all just need a little kindness....

XOXO
Tara

Whatcha Thinkin 'Bout?

This past weekend I had a lot of time to think. I had a 3 day weekend and actually managed my time well enough to have a little "Me Time".
Friday I got some shopping done with my mom and Friday night was Dad's side of the family's Easter Celebration. Saturday I had the house to myself and got some cleaning and shopping done and then took a little break to sit outside and just think.
I thought about all kinds of different things. One big thing that kept coming to my mind was God. Just the thought of God and His existence and His power and Grace...it confuses me. I like to be able to see evidence and facts in front of me. For me to actually have blind faith and leap forward and just TRUST that God will be there to catch me is a very difficult thing for me to do. I WANT to believe in all of the religious stuff and I think I do for the most part. However, I have moments of just sheer frustration and confusion and I get all flustered. I see these girls I've grown up with and see their unshakable faith in God and how passionate they are about Him and their relationship with Him and it makes me jealous. How? How do they get to have that kind of relationship and faith and I struggle Every. Single. Flipping. Day.??? I will just sit on the front porch and read my bible and meditate on the words and the meanings and I will write in my prayer journal every single minute that I have the opportunity to and will pray in my mind while driving my car down 1382 (that's a really looooong stretch of road that I go down everyday to and from work) and NADA. I don't feel that Hallelujah feeling that others seem to have. I get it in spurts, I guess. Sometimes out of no where I will feel a peace or a surge of emotion. I don't get it. I don't understand how to get that feeling. I want that feeling all the time.
Now don't get me wrong. I totally and completely believe in God. With as much as has happened in my life, there is no way I can get around THAT fact. As many times as I should have gotten physically injured or lost my home or died, I KNOW someone is looking out for me and my family. But. How do I reach that enlightenment and pure joy?
I feel like if I can find that joy and get my mind and spirit right on track, everything else will fall into place. I don't even WANT to get into how much junk I ate over the holiday. I get stressed and frustrated with stuff and then I eat like I haven't ever seen chicken before.

So after all my BIG thinking Saturday, I went over to dad's and watched The Ten Commandments on TV. That's an Easter tradition in my family. We love that movie, even thought my brother mocks the special effects. Sunday was Easter Sunday. Resurrection Sunday. We went to church and I tried my best to pay attention and feel God's Spirit, because if it was going to be hanging out anywhere it would definitely be hanging out in church on Easter Sunday. I didn't feel anything other worldly though. Just regular ole church but it made me feel good and I guess that is enough, this time. Hopefully I will figure this out and be able to get my spirit right with God.

WOW.

This is a pretty heavy blog today, so I will leave you with this picture of a happy puppy.

First Ever Blog

I'm not an incredibly witty or entertaining individual. At least I don't think I am. I'm not overly intelligent or wise beyond my years. I am, however, determined to make myself a better Me. I am willing to read, study, observe, attempt, engage, insert your chosen verb here, to make myself happy and make sure I am following the path I am supposed to be on.

I am going to do something that no woman would ever willingly do unless a gun was pressed to her temple, and even then, she'd probably lie. I'm going to post my weight on this blog. Granted, I don't think a lot of people will be reading this so it's not going to be on Extra! or CNN, but still...I'm nervous. I currently weigh, *drum roll* 154 lbs. I am about 5 feet tall so this is not the most desired weight for me. However, hopefully with some work and dedication, this will no longer be my weight.
Here is me singing karaoke, only picture I could find that shows all of me:

I am about to make over my life. On the list is, my weight, my spiritual journey, and my strong desire to find contentment. I want to find my joy and when someone asks me if I am happy, I want to be able to say, "Yes. More than you will ever know."

So, if you want to keep up with me and my journey- I'd love to have you.

Much Love,

Tara