Prayer is something I have been trying to get better at. I don't necessarily want to have the confidence and ability to be able to stand before thousands of people and pray and leave everyone feeling amazing. I just want to be able to pray in a way that makes ME feel amazing.
I have always shied away from praying in public, even just at meal times. I'm not comfortable with it and that hurts my heart. I'm not comfortable talking to God in front of others? Why not??? That's ridiculous. I'm pretty sure God doesn't care if I am eloquent and say all the right things. As for the people I'm praying in front of, I shouldn't care what they think. I am not talking to them. I'm talking to God. However, I am really self conscious about praying in front of others.
There is this girl I grew up with at my church. She no longer goes to our church, but when she did and I got to hear her pray? WOW. That girl could make you feel Jesus in the room and you just KNEW He was doing something wonderful and spectacular.
I think a big part of my problem is, I want instantaneous responses from God. I want to have a legitimate conversation with Him and have Him reply back. I hear people say, "Oh well, God always answers prayer. He may just not give you the answer you want!" OK....Well....I have to let you in on a little secret. I don't always know when He answers me anyway. Up until about 5 years ago, my prayers consisted of
"Bless my mom, dad, brother, and sister. Please protect us throughout the night and "...if I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take..." Amen."
Other than that, I was just about out of the prayer loop. I didn't know what else to say or do. I just would kinda close my eyes and try to stay awake. I'm just being honest.
Then.
A few years ago I REALLY started trying. I mean, I would light candles and put on worship music and close and lock my door. I put forth MAJOR effort. I would pray and pray and pray and just start reading from the Bible prayers that had obviously worked for David and Solomon and all those other guys. I would pray the songs I was listening to. I followed the J.O.Y. plan. Praise Jesus, Pray for Others, Pray for Yourself. I figured out, you don't have to pray exactly like the guys in the Bible. You don't have to use the KJV lingo or be all formal with your prayers. Just....talk. I should have no problem WHATSOEVER with that one. (Just ask my momma)
I figured out that I could write to God. I write letters to Him. Not like, "Hey God, Whats Up? How are you?" kind of letters, but like:
I carry my prayer journal with me every where I go, because, shocker....you can pray ANY time you want. It doesn't have to be at night time when it is time to go to sleep. If I am particularly frustrated at work or something, I can just write a prayer for serenity.
Years from now, I may read back over my prayers and think, Good Grief....you were worried about THAT? But I try not to judge "Past Tara" for what she thinks is important or scary or whatever. "Present Tara" is just so much cooler, calmer and more collected. She is just so much wiser, ya know? I may not need this prayer journal tool forever. I may be able to just burst into prayer in my heart and head and not need to write it down. I may not need to have actual physical evidence of God's amazing-ness in my life in my hands all the time.
However.
It's neat though, for me to be able to look back on my prayers and remember stuff. It helps me to also THANK God...for bringing me this far...but I sure do have a loooong way left to go.
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