Get Tough

I am picturing this scene from a movie. It was one of my favorite movies as a kid solely because Devon Sawa was one of the stars. You see a montage of different children getting ready for their first ever peewee football game. Some kids are getting in bed to get a full nights rest, a couple are doing some extra practice, different ways of getting ready for their BIG DAY.  I particularly remember a kid putting lines under his eyes and ending up covered in the black grease. The day before, if memory serves me correctly, they were coached by the Dallas Cowboys. They were taught to be tough and to keep up the good work and keep heart because they could win, even as underdogs. They were the Little Giants.

 Being taught to be tough is a great thing. There are different versions of being tough. There are different ways of getting ready to fight. There are different types of fights.

The fight I am facing is an emotional and spiritual battle. I have been reading about how to go into this war and how I can win. I have been fighting this battle for a long time it seems and I haven't gotten even close to the end of it. I have people attacking me and my character. I have lost some good friends. I've gotten so lonely I lay in bed at night and cry. I have been told things that hurt me so deeply, I am sure there are scars. I don't have much left to lose at this point.

I have tried so hard to do things on my own and do them well. Job requirements, having talks with friends, making decisions, etc. No wonder I am flailing about and drowning. No wonder I can't seem to come out on top and win. I'm not going to God first and letting Him handle everything. God knows my heart, He hears my "pleas for mercy." (Psalm 28:6&7) He has never failed in any of His promises. (1Kings 8:56) Why don't I just let Him have all the things that hurt me and are causing me so much heartache? I don't have to do much soul searching to figure that one out. It's the same reason that ALWAYS keeps me from following God's will. I am afraid of what He will do with my life if I totally give it all over to Him.

The truth is, I don't know what God will do with my life if I let Him have it. I am still so selfish that I want to do everything my way. I want to finish college and have a fabulous job. I want to meet a wonderful man and fall in love. I want to get married and have my own little house and have babies. I want to be able to live the life that I want.

What do I honestly need to fear though? Do I honestly think I can do a better job of running my life than God? If I trust in Him and don't depend on me, myself, and I; He will make my paths straight (Proverbs 3:5&6)and give me the most amazing life I could ever imagine. I gotta put on that armour of God and let Him guide my paths. (Ephesians 6:10-18)

I have to get tough and trust that God knows what He is doing in my life. I can't lay down and give up the fight. I need to pray for my enemies. I need to seek comfort from His Word and through prayer. I need to ask my friends to pray for me and I need to realize I can't do this all on my own. I have to accept help. I am not very good at accepting help. I like to think myself Wonder Woman.

I had a conversation with a friend through email last night. I was telling him all about what was going on with me and he flattered me by saying how strong I am and how I will come out of all of it more than OK. Whether that's the case or not, whether I am strong or not, him telling me I am and encouraging me made me feel so much better. I will never be able to thank him for being there for me through what seems like all the tragedies of my life. I don't deserve to have a friend like him. A good man who I know I have not treated very well. Yet, when I said I needed prayer and help, he said, "Of course".

So. How do I NOT see myself as Wonder Woman? How do I pray for this help and comfort though? I have been doing this stuff on my own for so long, I am not sure how to. I know how to have a major emotional and mental meltdown. I know how to lock myself in the bathroom and cry. I know how to retreat from the world and ignore everyone and lose myself in my own despair. I'm a PRO at all of that. But. That won't help me. None of those things will help me win the battle. Lately I have read books where people "pray the Word" when they don't know what to ask or say to God. I am going to do that. I am not terribly comfortable with the thought of it though. I guess I figure that's cheating or something. Then I found this: Psalm 25:16-18 "Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged; bring me out of my distresses. Consider my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins." That pretty much sums it all up, doesn't it?

I need God to be gracious to me. I need him to show me mercy and comfort me though my time of need. I need Him. Period. There is no way I CAN'T win with my family, friends, and Him on my side.