I never really thought of myself as bitter or angry. I am not one of the girls who wears all black and writes really bad poetry. I guess I went through that phase, I think almost everyone does at one point. I think I did it more out of irony and because my friends were dressing in all black, with the black nails and ridiculous Hot Topic/Thrift store clothing.
I'm not really talking about that kind of bitter and anger though. I'm talking about being annoyed and disgusted when I see happy couples together, or a friend of mine that is pregnant or just had a baby. I'm talking about getting frustrated and jealous that it isn't me.
I realize that I will get to have all that stuff one day, when God says it's time. I know it. I'm just so tired of waiting.
I recently dated a guy that I didn't have much in common with because I thought, "Well, he is the exact opposite of every single guy I have ever dated, so therefore....this relationship will have a different outcome and the only possible difference could be that this one lasts forever!" Genius I am not. It fizzled out just like every other relationship I have been in. It wasn't any one's fault, it just happened.
In the past 10 years, since I have graduated high school, the longest relationship I have been in was 2 years and that was a continuation from high school. Other than that one, the longest a relationship has lasted was, 5 months. That's it. I am looking at people I know and think, SERIOUSLY? They get to have a husband and baby and not ME? That just doesn't seem right. I will complain and moan on facebook or whatever, and people will criticize me. Now, please stop me if I am wrong, but....who cares? Who cares if I complain every once in awhile about being single? Who cares if I complain every single hour on the hour about it? I am pretty sure that whomever I do eventually marry will know me and will know that I complain, a lot. He will know that I am dramatic, a lot. He will probably have seen all the bad sides of me and will love me anyway. So, knowing these facts, why do you people care if I make fun of myself and tell me to "hide my crazy"??? I'm pretty sure everyone has already received the Tara is a Goober Memo. You don't want to read about me and my future full of cats, don't read it.
I also think that something that really bothers me is how some people treat marriage and their partners now a days. That may make me sound old fashioned but honestly! I was out with friends once and I was watching a couple that were at a table next to us. They started talking loudly about being in an "open relationship". On what planet is that OK? I don't understand. I always kinda figured its hard enough to get ONE guy, now you want me to try and keep more than one happy at a time? "Ain't no body got time for that"
Not to mention the gray areas of what constitutes cheating and Tara Doesn't Share Food Let Alone People. I just don't get it. Bitterness that people like THAT with zero moral compass are finding each other and I can't get a guy to go get some Fro Yo with me? It is ensuing. It makes me mad that people who don't cherish the institution of marriage and each other are treating marriage like a box you check on the list of Now I'm Considered A Grown Up.
Anyway...I have finally given it over to God. I'm trying to not be so angry about my failed relationships. I'm tired of putting on make up and going to bars to flirt with guys who, in all honesty I wouldn't put up high on the Suitable Marriage Material List. When I have kids I don't want them to ask me how I met their daddy and me say, "Well, peanut, Mommy used to wear really high heels and lots of eyeliner and go drink margaritas. Daddy thought mommy looked pretty through all the smoke and alcohol haze and that's how we met!"
I firmly believe that God will put the man I'm supposed to be with in my life when it's the right time and He will use some other way than bar hopping.
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