MMMMM....McDonald's French Fries! Caramel Macchiato! Milky Ways! Couch feels goooood. Look! New game on facebook to play! Shoot bubbles into space from a witch's cauldron? Yes please!
Alrighty. This is not going according to plan. I know what I need to be doing instead of laying on the couch watching TV. And here are my excuses: I'm too tired after work. My job is slowly making me wish I lived under a rock, in a cave at the bottom of the ocean. I am so unbelievably unhappy with my general lot in life that I have no desire whatsoever to try and fix the things I CAN fix. I feel like I'm definitely on Fortune's Wheel right now. I was up at the top of everything just a couple months ago with a wonderful boyfriend, great friends, a job that I was finally getting the hang of and now it seems to me that it all just dissolved. I can't quite place my finger on the exact moment that everything went to crap. Its almost as if it went away so incredibly slowly that I didn't even realize it was happening at the time.
I don't know. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself...I just don't understand why it is so hard for me to figure out what the crap I am doing. Every once in a great while I make a big fat proclamation saying that I am done being the timid girl that gets walked all over and I am going to start being selfish and make myself happy. It never works out. It never lasts. I always end up being the friend that will do anything and everything for every single person in my life to make their lives better, more comfortable, etc.
I have always had foul weathered friends. These are the friends that only want me around when its convenient for them. They are only around when everything is crap and they want me to fix it. Now, don't get me wrong. I DO have a couple of very good friends who are not like this. It just seems like the majority of people now-a-days are of the "What can You do for ME" camp of thought.
I don't want to become a selfish person and only look out for what others can do for me, but at what point does it become a point of survival? Does a person HAVE to become a selfish jackal to survive in the world? Do you have to look out for yourself and not believe the best in people? All I have ever wanted was a good group of friends with zero drama and lots of love and trust. People that I can always count on and know that they will be there during the good and bad times. Not too much to ask for, in my mind, but evidently its hard to find.
As usual when I write, I go off on a random tangent that has nothing to do with what my original thought was for this blog. I don't mean to come across as hateful or depressing. I am just frustrated that no one seems to be appreciative of who I am and what I do. No one seems to understand that I am trying to better myself and change my life a little at a time and its hard for me and I could use a little support. People want to have hurt feelings and make me feel bad about things that I just don't have the energy to deal with right now. I leave you with these parting words from Plato....
Don't be judgmental. You have no idea what the battle I am fighting right now involves and we all just need a little kindness....
XOXO
Tara
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