Ethics

I am trying to get better at keeping up with this thing. Obviously I won't be writing every week like I was.

This week has been pretty crazy. I am helping my dad with his campaign to be reelected to school board, as well as getting used to some changes at work. I am absolutely exhausted, but I wouldn't change a thing. This week I've had a lot on my mind. One of those things has been work ethic.
What ever happened to taking pride in your work? Is that a thing of the past? I was brought up to take pride in whatever I did, no matter what it was. I learned to have a strong work ethic by example. My mom and dad are both so incredibly hard working. No matter what they do, they give their all. Whether it was an occupation, teaching Sunday school, taking care of their kids, or helping out friends and family, they did their best at it. I may not have the most glamorous job, but I do what I do to the best of my ability. As adults we have to work, unless you are one of the lucky ones who has everything handed to you and you don't have to do anything to get it. Why can't people take the fact that they have to work and just do the best that they can? I guess some people just do what they have to do to get by and don't mind that they don't do it as well as they could. I don't think I could look at myself in the mirror if I didn't do everything in my power to do my best. Maybe I am just a perfectionist.
I've also been thinking about the future and how I hope my husband and I are able to instill a sense of pride in our children. I know that Steve has the same view points as I do when it comes to so much. I know he takes so much pride in his work and that is something I love about him. I think it is so important to have the same kind of work ethics as your partner. I think that its along the same lines as the importance of religion, wanting children, and agreeing on finances. I can't imagine not having all of those things in common.
I understand having differences. It makes things so much more interesting when there are those little differences. You just have to have the big things in common. I know I have those big things in common with Steve.
I am so blessed that I was raised to have a strong work ethic. I'm so blessed that I have found a man I love that has the same priorities as I do. I am just incredibly blessed all around.

Lots of Love

OUCH!

Wow.
Um. It's been a long time since I updated this thing. Sorry about that. I have had a lot of things going on.

Also....I kinda forgot that I had this blog.

Ooops.


I guess I will start from the end of this past summer and catch you up.

I was pretty miserable at my last job, luckily, I was able to get a new job at a new school in a new school district. I am back to working with children with disabilities and special needs. It is difficult at times and some days I don't love every single minute, but overall it is a much healthier environment and I am completely satisfied and content.

I have met a man who has absolutely and completely swept me off my feet. He is the love of my life and I can't believe how lucky and blessed I am. I am so thankful God sent him to me and has allowed me to have him in my life. He is patient and kind. He is a good, sweet, amazing man. He understands how I have been hurt in the past and loves me just the way I am. He has made my life so much better and fulfilling.

A few months ago, my chihuahua Bambi, got very sick. I really had to wake up and face the possiblity that she won't be with me forever. She is doing much better now, but I have got to remind myself that she won't always be around and be my baby. That pretty much broke my heart. She has been there for me through thick and thin. She has loved me unconditionally and never judged me. I will never understand people who don't love dogs.

I was in one of my very dear friends' wedding. She married the love of HER life. She had some crappy people bail on her and treat her badly around that time, but she stuck to her guns and did things her way and didn't buckle. I'm thankful that she allowed me to be a part of it.




 

I have been doing really well on my diet and exercise. I am down to 137 lbs. I only have 17 left to hit my goal weight. My boyfriend loves me the way I am but I am insistent that I need to get healthy and take care of myself.

OH! Also?? I am about to become an AUNT! I am so excited and so ready to love on and spoil this little baby ASAP!!!!!!!!!

 

I really can't remember the last time I had this much peace and felt this good about my life. Yes, there are aspects I still want to change. I want to get back in school and finish my degree, I want to travel, I don't want money to be so tight, I want to hit my goal weight and be healthy, and I want to keep up with this blog better!

I hope everyone is doing well and will read this and come back sometime. :)

Lots of Love,

T

Summer Blues

I haven't written lately because, frankly, I haven't had much to write or had much desire.
I don't know if it is the lack of projects, lack of interaction with multiple people on a daily basis or what, but I always seem to suffer from the Summer Blues. The blues usually start at the end of June and last quite awhile.
I have been looking for a new job, without much luck. I have had 2 INCREDIBLE interviews and really thought I'd hear something by now. I have been in a REAL pinch financially, the paychecks just don't seem to stretch as far when I'm home for the summer.I struggle constantly with trying to help out everyone and solve every ones problems. I had a big fight with a friend that shook me to the core. I have been worried and generally about to lose it for a few weeks.
With all the stress I've been under, I got scared and then just lost it like a total crazy person. I have been so sick with regret the past few days I have just closed myself off.
So all of that is just keeping me blue.
What do I do to fix any of those things? I don't know. I don't know if I can. All I know to do at this point is pray. Pray for God to intervene. Pray for forgiveness. Pray that I can accept that I have messed up in a lot of situations and do my best to not mess up again. Pray that I am given second chances where second chances can be given. Pray that I do not let my past dictate my future.
My past. There is a blog entry that would go on forever. The physical, mental, and emotional abuse I have endured in my dating life has held me back from trusting people for so long. I don't want that to be the case any longer. However, it may be too late for it to matter in certain instances.
All I can do though, is move forward from my mistakes and not let my past interfere anymore. I just hope I can prove to people, and myself, that the realization I had last week was not a fluke and I have really put all those things behind me.
God says to lay all your cares upon Him for He cares for you. He says that we need to forgive those who trespass against us. I firmly believe that if I don't do this, if I can't lay it all down and forgive those boys (because they aren't men) who hurt me...I won't be able to let anyone in and I will be kept from God and from finding my happiness.
I just hope that those that I have hurt or made angry can find it in THEIR hearts to forgive me and give me another chance.

Is it just me, or is it bitter in here?

I never really thought of myself as bitter or angry. I am not one of the girls who wears all black and writes really bad poetry. I guess I went through that phase, I think almost everyone does at one point. I think I did it more out of irony and because my friends were dressing in all black, with the black nails and ridiculous Hot Topic/Thrift store clothing.
I'm not really talking about that kind of bitter and anger though. I'm talking about being annoyed and disgusted when I see happy couples together, or a friend of mine that is pregnant or just had a baby. I'm talking about getting frustrated and jealous that it isn't me. 
I realize that I will get to have all that stuff one day, when God says it's time. I know it. I'm just so tired of waiting.
I recently dated a guy that I didn't have much in common with because I thought, "Well, he is the exact opposite of every single guy I have ever dated, so therefore....this relationship will have a different outcome and the only possible difference could be that this one lasts forever!" Genius I am not. It fizzled out just like every other relationship I have been in. It wasn't any one's fault, it just happened.
In the past 10 years, since I have graduated high school, the longest relationship I have been in was 2 years and that was a continuation from high school. Other than that one, the longest a relationship has lasted was, 5 months. That's it. I am looking at people I know and think, SERIOUSLY? They get to have a husband and baby and not ME? That just doesn't seem right. I will complain and moan on facebook or whatever, and people will criticize me. Now, please stop me if I am wrong, but....who cares? Who cares if I complain every once in awhile about being single? Who cares if I complain every single hour on the hour about it? I am pretty sure that whomever I do eventually marry will know me and will know that I complain, a lot. He will know that I am dramatic, a lot. He will probably have seen all the bad sides of me and will love me anyway. So, knowing these facts, why do you people care if I make fun of myself and tell me to "hide my crazy"??? I'm pretty sure everyone has already received the Tara is a Goober Memo. You don't want to read about me and my future full of cats, don't read it.
I also think that something that really bothers me is how some people treat marriage and their partners now a days. That may make me sound old fashioned but honestly! I was out with friends once and I was watching a couple that were at a table next to us. They started talking loudly about being in an "open relationship". On what planet is that OK? I don't understand. I always kinda figured its hard enough to get ONE guy, now you want me to try and keep more than one happy at a time? "Ain't no body got time for that"
Not to mention the gray areas of what constitutes cheating and Tara Doesn't Share Food Let Alone People. I just don't get it. Bitterness that people like THAT with zero moral compass are finding each other and I can't get a guy to go get some Fro Yo with me? It is ensuing. It makes me mad that people who don't cherish the institution of marriage and each other are treating marriage like a box you check on the list of Now I'm Considered A Grown Up.
Anyway...I have finally given it over to God. I'm trying to not be so angry about my failed relationships. I'm tired of putting on make up and going to bars to flirt with guys who, in all honesty I wouldn't put up high on the Suitable Marriage Material List. When I have kids I don't want them to ask me how I met their daddy and me say, "Well, peanut, Mommy used to wear really high heels and lots of eyeliner and go drink margaritas. Daddy thought mommy looked pretty through all the smoke and alcohol haze and that's how we met!"
I firmly believe that God will put the man I'm supposed to be with in my life when it's the right time and He will use some other way than bar hopping.

Been a Long Time, but I'm Back in Town

WOW!

I have been so incredibly busy I have not blogged in a long time, sorry about that guys! I am sure you are all in a huge panic and very sad that you haven't heard from me, all....1 of you. :)

Well, the school year is now over and I am at home for the summer. The year ended without fanfare or many tears. I quickly and quietly packed my things and slinked away. I am now in the process of trying to find a new job. I want to be somewhere where I am wanted. I have quite a few applications out in the universe and I am hopeful.

I've also had a loss in my life recently. My (for lack of a better term and because he may as well be) step-dad's mother passed away after a looong illness. It was and still is really sad. I hate that she is gone and he and my mom are hurting, but I know she is in a better place and no longer hurting.
I really struggled with the whole thing leading up to her death. I hated how much pain she was in, I hated that my mom and step-dad were so tired and having to watch her waste away. It just didn't seem fair. I was really frustrated that everything seemed to fall on them and no one else would help.
But. Its all in the past now and I hope that God will provide the grace, healing and strength it will take to get through this time.

I also found out that my ex (the subject of a couple of my blogs) lied to me and is in a relationship with a girl he lied to me about on many different occasions before. I found out right after I had emailed him my letter I posted last time. The pain I felt was bad, but I was so angry about him lying to me. I should have known better. I wish I didn't give people the benefit of the doubt so often. I don't know if it's a good thing or not about my character. I wish I was a little more skeptical about people and their intentions.

All in all, I have REALLY been trying to get my life back on track and get my relationship with God stronger. I feel like I have succeeded so far. I have been praying some pretty specific prayers and I am truly seeing God work in my life and answer those prayers.

I have always struggled with loneliness. I have some good friends but for some reason I have never let myself be fully candid and myself around them. I always hide a part of myself. I saw these girls I grew up with and they were all best friends. There was no doubt that they were the popular girls at school and at church. I never had much in common with them and I never felt like I was good enough to be their friend. We were nice to one another for the most part, but there wasn't a friendship. Now I have a couple of friends, but we aren't in the same place in our lives. They are getting married or on the other end of the spectrum and not anywhere close to being ready to settle down. I feel like I am in the middle. Same with those girls I grew up with. They are all married with kids. I'm left out. I feel like a puzzle piece that, no matter which way you turn me, I don't fit in any spot. I'm working on that though. I am trying to find my place.
I have been praying about God sending me a friend. Someone who will help me with my Christian walk and be a real, true, friend. Two days after I poured out my heart to God, I got an email from one of those girls I have nothing in common with inviting me to something. It felt good to be included and I don't know, maybe it's the start of something. She doesn't know it, but she was answering a desperate prayer. (she probably knows now if she read this though. lol)
Never doubt that you are needed by someone. You have no idea how just a simple email, smile, or acknowledgment can encourage a person. You may not feel like you do much good for the world as a whole, but you may just make someone's day increasingly better by just being friendly.
Since this blog is kind of all over the place I will end it here. I hope you all have a blessed day and week. Smile. Laugh. Love. Enjoy the little things, you may one day find that those "little things" were actually the "big things" that you couldn't live without.

Much Love My Lovelies!



Letter to My Ex

I posted awhile back about letting my ex back into my life. I was warned again and again about how he would never change, and everyone was right. I felt that I needed to give him the benefit of the doubt and let him prove himself to me.
I can't begin to tell you how badly it hurts my heart and pride to have to admit that I was wrong. I just wanted, on the tail end of a failed relationship , to believe that people could change and maybe my prince was coming back for me.
I am embarrassed and hurt and let me tell you....it stinks. I really thought this would work this time. We have only tried to have a relationship for the past 6 years off and on. However...he did his famous vanishing act again and proved himself to still be the exact same man he always was.
I wrote him an email. He refuses to answer my calls and text messages or reply to my emails, but I needed him to know some things. I don't know if he will read it or understand it. I know he won't respond, but at least my feelings are out there and hopefully, he will one day begin to understand everything from my point of view.

Heres the letter:

Well. This is it, I guess.
I forgive you for everything. In spite of all the previous evidence, I believe you will turn out to be a good man. I know I won't be around to see it, but I really hope that I am right.
Thank you.
Thank you for showing me how strong I am and how capable of love and forgiveness I am. Thank you for showing me what kind of man, and for that matter just what kind of basic friend, I deserve.
I know exactly who I am and what I need, want, expect, and deserve out of life, since you became part of my world and heart 6 years ago.
I hope you find peace and stop running from love and what God has planned for you.
I'm sorry I wasn't the person to show you what you can be. I'm sorry I loved you too much. I'm sorry I kept pushing you to love me back.
You will never know the amount of space you take up in my heart and how much I learned from you.
I guess this is goodbye. I really do wish you the best in life. I just, I can't be a witness to it and possibly one day see you with another woman. It will hurt too much. Maybe one day we can have that truce I told you about. I don't know.
But as always and forever,

All My Love,
Tara



That letter should really go to every single man I have ever dated. Every guy who has hurt me or just made me not feel good enough. I really should just go ahead and make a bunch of copies and send them out. A Form Letter of sorts. But. With him...he really did teach me a lot about myself. I honestly can thank him for that.

I really don't have much else to say right now. My heart is tender and my emotions are on edge. I am strong and know I will come out on top. Right now though? I need a bath and a good book and some prayer time with God.
Love you my lovely readers!

Get Tough

I am picturing this scene from a movie. It was one of my favorite movies as a kid solely because Devon Sawa was one of the stars. You see a montage of different children getting ready for their first ever peewee football game. Some kids are getting in bed to get a full nights rest, a couple are doing some extra practice, different ways of getting ready for their BIG DAY.  I particularly remember a kid putting lines under his eyes and ending up covered in the black grease. The day before, if memory serves me correctly, they were coached by the Dallas Cowboys. They were taught to be tough and to keep up the good work and keep heart because they could win, even as underdogs. They were the Little Giants.

 Being taught to be tough is a great thing. There are different versions of being tough. There are different ways of getting ready to fight. There are different types of fights.

The fight I am facing is an emotional and spiritual battle. I have been reading about how to go into this war and how I can win. I have been fighting this battle for a long time it seems and I haven't gotten even close to the end of it. I have people attacking me and my character. I have lost some good friends. I've gotten so lonely I lay in bed at night and cry. I have been told things that hurt me so deeply, I am sure there are scars. I don't have much left to lose at this point.

I have tried so hard to do things on my own and do them well. Job requirements, having talks with friends, making decisions, etc. No wonder I am flailing about and drowning. No wonder I can't seem to come out on top and win. I'm not going to God first and letting Him handle everything. God knows my heart, He hears my "pleas for mercy." (Psalm 28:6&7) He has never failed in any of His promises. (1Kings 8:56) Why don't I just let Him have all the things that hurt me and are causing me so much heartache? I don't have to do much soul searching to figure that one out. It's the same reason that ALWAYS keeps me from following God's will. I am afraid of what He will do with my life if I totally give it all over to Him.

The truth is, I don't know what God will do with my life if I let Him have it. I am still so selfish that I want to do everything my way. I want to finish college and have a fabulous job. I want to meet a wonderful man and fall in love. I want to get married and have my own little house and have babies. I want to be able to live the life that I want.

What do I honestly need to fear though? Do I honestly think I can do a better job of running my life than God? If I trust in Him and don't depend on me, myself, and I; He will make my paths straight (Proverbs 3:5&6)and give me the most amazing life I could ever imagine. I gotta put on that armour of God and let Him guide my paths. (Ephesians 6:10-18)

I have to get tough and trust that God knows what He is doing in my life. I can't lay down and give up the fight. I need to pray for my enemies. I need to seek comfort from His Word and through prayer. I need to ask my friends to pray for me and I need to realize I can't do this all on my own. I have to accept help. I am not very good at accepting help. I like to think myself Wonder Woman.

I had a conversation with a friend through email last night. I was telling him all about what was going on with me and he flattered me by saying how strong I am and how I will come out of all of it more than OK. Whether that's the case or not, whether I am strong or not, him telling me I am and encouraging me made me feel so much better. I will never be able to thank him for being there for me through what seems like all the tragedies of my life. I don't deserve to have a friend like him. A good man who I know I have not treated very well. Yet, when I said I needed prayer and help, he said, "Of course".

So. How do I NOT see myself as Wonder Woman? How do I pray for this help and comfort though? I have been doing this stuff on my own for so long, I am not sure how to. I know how to have a major emotional and mental meltdown. I know how to lock myself in the bathroom and cry. I know how to retreat from the world and ignore everyone and lose myself in my own despair. I'm a PRO at all of that. But. That won't help me. None of those things will help me win the battle. Lately I have read books where people "pray the Word" when they don't know what to ask or say to God. I am going to do that. I am not terribly comfortable with the thought of it though. I guess I figure that's cheating or something. Then I found this: Psalm 25:16-18 "Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged; bring me out of my distresses. Consider my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins." That pretty much sums it all up, doesn't it?

I need God to be gracious to me. I need him to show me mercy and comfort me though my time of need. I need Him. Period. There is no way I CAN'T win with my family, friends, and Him on my side.