Get Tough

I am picturing this scene from a movie. It was one of my favorite movies as a kid solely because Devon Sawa was one of the stars. You see a montage of different children getting ready for their first ever peewee football game. Some kids are getting in bed to get a full nights rest, a couple are doing some extra practice, different ways of getting ready for their BIG DAY.  I particularly remember a kid putting lines under his eyes and ending up covered in the black grease. The day before, if memory serves me correctly, they were coached by the Dallas Cowboys. They were taught to be tough and to keep up the good work and keep heart because they could win, even as underdogs. They were the Little Giants.

 Being taught to be tough is a great thing. There are different versions of being tough. There are different ways of getting ready to fight. There are different types of fights.

The fight I am facing is an emotional and spiritual battle. I have been reading about how to go into this war and how I can win. I have been fighting this battle for a long time it seems and I haven't gotten even close to the end of it. I have people attacking me and my character. I have lost some good friends. I've gotten so lonely I lay in bed at night and cry. I have been told things that hurt me so deeply, I am sure there are scars. I don't have much left to lose at this point.

I have tried so hard to do things on my own and do them well. Job requirements, having talks with friends, making decisions, etc. No wonder I am flailing about and drowning. No wonder I can't seem to come out on top and win. I'm not going to God first and letting Him handle everything. God knows my heart, He hears my "pleas for mercy." (Psalm 28:6&7) He has never failed in any of His promises. (1Kings 8:56) Why don't I just let Him have all the things that hurt me and are causing me so much heartache? I don't have to do much soul searching to figure that one out. It's the same reason that ALWAYS keeps me from following God's will. I am afraid of what He will do with my life if I totally give it all over to Him.

The truth is, I don't know what God will do with my life if I let Him have it. I am still so selfish that I want to do everything my way. I want to finish college and have a fabulous job. I want to meet a wonderful man and fall in love. I want to get married and have my own little house and have babies. I want to be able to live the life that I want.

What do I honestly need to fear though? Do I honestly think I can do a better job of running my life than God? If I trust in Him and don't depend on me, myself, and I; He will make my paths straight (Proverbs 3:5&6)and give me the most amazing life I could ever imagine. I gotta put on that armour of God and let Him guide my paths. (Ephesians 6:10-18)

I have to get tough and trust that God knows what He is doing in my life. I can't lay down and give up the fight. I need to pray for my enemies. I need to seek comfort from His Word and through prayer. I need to ask my friends to pray for me and I need to realize I can't do this all on my own. I have to accept help. I am not very good at accepting help. I like to think myself Wonder Woman.

I had a conversation with a friend through email last night. I was telling him all about what was going on with me and he flattered me by saying how strong I am and how I will come out of all of it more than OK. Whether that's the case or not, whether I am strong or not, him telling me I am and encouraging me made me feel so much better. I will never be able to thank him for being there for me through what seems like all the tragedies of my life. I don't deserve to have a friend like him. A good man who I know I have not treated very well. Yet, when I said I needed prayer and help, he said, "Of course".

So. How do I NOT see myself as Wonder Woman? How do I pray for this help and comfort though? I have been doing this stuff on my own for so long, I am not sure how to. I know how to have a major emotional and mental meltdown. I know how to lock myself in the bathroom and cry. I know how to retreat from the world and ignore everyone and lose myself in my own despair. I'm a PRO at all of that. But. That won't help me. None of those things will help me win the battle. Lately I have read books where people "pray the Word" when they don't know what to ask or say to God. I am going to do that. I am not terribly comfortable with the thought of it though. I guess I figure that's cheating or something. Then I found this: Psalm 25:16-18 "Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged; bring me out of my distresses. Consider my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins." That pretty much sums it all up, doesn't it?

I need God to be gracious to me. I need him to show me mercy and comfort me though my time of need. I need Him. Period. There is no way I CAN'T win with my family, friends, and Him on my side.

Forgiveness and Stuff

Forgive and Forget. Wipe the slate clean. Kiss and Make up. Let By Gones be By Gones. However you want to say it, it all means the same thing. Someone, maybe that someone is you, messes up and the other person excuses the behavior or transgression and you both start over.
I have forgiven people in my life that probably didn't deserve forgiveness. They hurt me in some way or another, but I let it go and wiped the slate clean. I don't know why it has become so necessary for me to forgive these people, especially lately, but I really feel strongly about forgiveness. I have seen what NOT forgiving someone can do to your life. I do not want that to be me. I do not want to hold grudges and let past hurts dictate my life.
Life is too short to not forgive people. We are all human and all make mistakes. How on EARTH would we all get ANYWHERE if we didn't forgive each other? No one would ever be friends or lovers. We would all be stomping around with scowls on our faces hating life! I can't possibly do that. Everyone would be miserable. I have some of those bitter people in my life right now and I just want to avoid them at all costs. It's not funny or fun to be around jaded and hate filled people.
There is a man who has hurt me in the past. Broken my heart and left me crying on the floor asking why he didn't love me. He's asked for my forgiveness, a few times, and every time I give it to him. I may not ever know WHY he hurt me and he may not know either, but that's OK. God doesn't ask us for reasons why we sin against Him. God doesn't refuse to forgive us when we mess up 47 different times. If we come to Him and ask Him to forgive us with a genuine and repentant heart, He will. I keep saying that I want to be more like Jesus and I want to have true Joy and Peace. How am I supposed to do that if I refuse to give someone forgiveness. If I refuse to say, "I believe you are sorry and I accept your apology." There is no way.

Now, do I believe that he won't hurt me again? No. It takes more than a simple apology to make me trust his intentions.

Some people really don't understand how I can keep forgiving him for how he hurt me and treated me. I don't understand it myself, truthfully. People say he will just do it again and he will manipulate me and break my heart and leave me back on that bathroom floor crying. Yes. He might. I am not saying I am going to run away to Paris and marry him. I AM saying that I forgive him. After time has passes, and if I see a sincere change, maybe I will trust him again with my heart. I can't live my life wondering what if and I can't live my life not forgiving. Forgiveness doesn't mean you don't have fears and uncertainties. You may disagree with me and my choice to let the past be the past. That's OK. I don't expect anyone who was around when he hurt me to agree with this. I remember what it was like. It isn't logical. It IS what I need to do to have peace in my heart though.
I am not stepping into this lightly. I am being careful and leaving every single part of it in God's hands. I am taking care to guard my heart. I am in charge of where this goes and what parts of my heart I give. I know what I am doing. I want you to understand that just because I forgive him, doesn't mean I forget every pang and tear. I want you to trust me in this.

There is a saying that the truth will set you free. I don't think it really means the truth as in not lying. I think it means, the Truth, Jesus. The Way The Truth and The Life. Jesus will set you free if you allow Him into your heart and life. I am trying to let Jesus set me free. I am trying to let Him have my burdens and my hurts and my grudges that I am still hanging on to.
I fully trust and believe that God has His hand in my life and will continue to do so. I fully believe that God is in control. I fully believe that He will not allow me to be hurt beyond repair and He will not give me more than I can handle. I know He will take care of me, just as He always has done and always will do.

Self-ish VS Self-less

I'm a big fan of being a Daddy's Girl. Big Fan. I'm also a Mommas Girl. I know if I absolutely want something or need something and I can't get it on my own, my parents will do whatever they can to help me. I do not think I am a selfish person because of this fact. I think I am just very blessed to have parents who put my happiness up there on the top of their priorities list. I have always struggled with thinking I may be selfish, though. Especially when people tell me and tell my friends how selfish and spoiled I am. That really hurts me.

I recently had a falling out with a friend. I have been going through a lot of stuff in my personal life and because I felt like those things took precedent over going out on the weekends, I was dubbed a selfish brat. Let me get one thing straight, my family comes first. I have made that abundantly clear to anyone and everyone in my life. If that makes me selfish, I guess I am selfish. I do not think it makes me self centered when I am worried about family members...but maybe I'm just crazy.

I try very hard to be a good friend. I go out of my way to attend birthday parties for children and relatives, I answer the phone at 2 AM to be a comfort to someone who is upset, I go out with people I do not particularly like to make my friends more comfortable. I do a lot. However, during the past 2 months when I have been the friend in need, I have hardly gotten a comforting text message, let alone anything else. I have bit my tongue. I have not complained. I have just decided that this is how it will be. Then I am labeled the selfish one? I don't think so. I would like to think I am being Self-less....

God wants us to be selfless. He wants us to be like Jesus and give all of ourselves to Him and His Will. He wants us to lay down our lives for our friends. He tells us to Treat Others The Way We Would Like To Be Treated.

I am learning how to do this. I a trying to grow into a bigger better person. I have already done ALOT of growing lately and with that growing comes growing pains. I remember when my little brother was younger and he had what the doctor called growing pains. His legs would be rigid and he would cry and cry. My growing pains aren't of the physical nature though. Mine are of the emotional and spiritual nature. I am losing friends, friends I thought were going to be there forever. I did what I thought was best and what I thought Jesus would have me do in a situation and I lost a friend because of it. That hurts. I will probably lose a lot more friends too. I consider it all worth it though. I am doing God's Will. I am being the daughter, sister, cousin, niece, and friend that God wants me to be.
I do not begrudge anyone anything. I don't hope that someone will fail or lose a relationship because of the choices they made. I hope the best for them. God has a specific plan for everyone. I just really want to know for sure that I am following His plan for Me.
I think I am following His plan for me because I feel peace. Of course I am sad that I am losing these people from my life, but I know I will be OK. I have total peace about it. I know it will be hard and I won't be this content with my decisions all the time, but I know I will be OK. I know its for a REASON.
That's what faith is....we may not know the reason, we may not understand the path, but we have FAITH that its for the best. Do I wish I had some say so in the plan? YES! I want to go back to college, I want to get married and have little babies and live a wonderful (relatively easy) life. None of that is what He has for me right this second though. If I was being the selfish person I have the ability to be, I would be doing what I wanted any way and forcing my plan into action. But. I will wait and pray and Seek God's Will.

I am finally finding my joy, a little at a time, and its by doing the right thing for me and the right thing by my loved ones. I want to be selfless and be able to praise God in whatever circumstance I am in. I will do whatever it takes to get there.

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

Prayer is something I have been trying to get better at. I don't necessarily want to have the confidence and ability to be able to stand before thousands of people and pray and leave everyone feeling amazing. I just want to be able to pray in a way that makes ME feel amazing.

I have always shied away from praying in public, even just at meal times. I'm not comfortable with it and that hurts my heart. I'm not comfortable talking to God in front of others? Why not??? That's ridiculous. I'm pretty sure God doesn't care if I am eloquent and say all the right things. As for the people I'm praying in front of, I shouldn't care what they think. I am not talking to them. I'm talking to God. However, I am really self conscious about praying in front of others.

There is this girl I grew up with at my church. She no longer goes to our church, but when she did and I got to hear her pray? WOW. That girl could make you feel Jesus in the room and you just KNEW He was doing something wonderful and spectacular.

I think a big part of my problem is, I want instantaneous responses from God. I want to have a legitimate conversation with Him and have Him reply back. I hear people say, "Oh well, God always answers prayer. He may just not give you the answer you want!" OK....Well....I have to let you in on a little secret. I don't always know when He answers me anyway. Up until about 5 years ago, my prayers consisted of

"Bless my mom, dad, brother, and sister. Please protect us throughout the night and "...if I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take..." Amen."

Other than that, I was just about out of the prayer loop. I didn't know what else to say or do. I just would kinda close my eyes and try to stay awake. I'm just being honest.

Then.

A few years ago I REALLY started trying. I mean, I would light candles and put on worship music and close and lock my door. I put forth MAJOR effort. I would pray and pray and pray and just start reading from the Bible prayers that had obviously worked for David and Solomon and all those other guys. I would pray the songs I was listening to. I followed the J.O.Y. plan. Praise Jesus, Pray for Others, Pray for Yourself. I figured out, you don't have to pray exactly like the guys in the Bible. You don't have to use the KJV lingo or be all formal with your prayers. Just....talk. I should have no problem WHATSOEVER with that one. (Just ask my momma)

I figured out that I could write to God. I write letters to Him. Not like, "Hey God, Whats Up? How are you?" kind of letters, but like:

I carry my prayer journal with me every where I go, because, shocker....you can pray ANY time you want. It doesn't have to be at night time when it is time to go to sleep. If I am particularly frustrated at work or something, I can just write a prayer for serenity.
Years from now, I may read back over my prayers and think, Good Grief....you were worried about THAT? But I try not to judge "Past Tara" for what she thinks is important or scary or whatever. "Present Tara" is just so much cooler, calmer and more collected. She is just so much wiser, ya know? I may not need this prayer journal tool forever. I may be able to just burst into prayer in my heart and head and not need to write it down. I may not need to have actual physical evidence of God's amazing-ness in my life in my hands all the time.
However.
 It's neat though, for me to be able to look back on my prayers and remember stuff. It helps me to also THANK God...for bringing me this far...but I sure do have a loooong way left to go.