Summer Blues

I haven't written lately because, frankly, I haven't had much to write or had much desire.
I don't know if it is the lack of projects, lack of interaction with multiple people on a daily basis or what, but I always seem to suffer from the Summer Blues. The blues usually start at the end of June and last quite awhile.
I have been looking for a new job, without much luck. I have had 2 INCREDIBLE interviews and really thought I'd hear something by now. I have been in a REAL pinch financially, the paychecks just don't seem to stretch as far when I'm home for the summer.I struggle constantly with trying to help out everyone and solve every ones problems. I had a big fight with a friend that shook me to the core. I have been worried and generally about to lose it for a few weeks.
With all the stress I've been under, I got scared and then just lost it like a total crazy person. I have been so sick with regret the past few days I have just closed myself off.
So all of that is just keeping me blue.
What do I do to fix any of those things? I don't know. I don't know if I can. All I know to do at this point is pray. Pray for God to intervene. Pray for forgiveness. Pray that I can accept that I have messed up in a lot of situations and do my best to not mess up again. Pray that I am given second chances where second chances can be given. Pray that I do not let my past dictate my future.
My past. There is a blog entry that would go on forever. The physical, mental, and emotional abuse I have endured in my dating life has held me back from trusting people for so long. I don't want that to be the case any longer. However, it may be too late for it to matter in certain instances.
All I can do though, is move forward from my mistakes and not let my past interfere anymore. I just hope I can prove to people, and myself, that the realization I had last week was not a fluke and I have really put all those things behind me.
God says to lay all your cares upon Him for He cares for you. He says that we need to forgive those who trespass against us. I firmly believe that if I don't do this, if I can't lay it all down and forgive those boys (because they aren't men) who hurt me...I won't be able to let anyone in and I will be kept from God and from finding my happiness.
I just hope that those that I have hurt or made angry can find it in THEIR hearts to forgive me and give me another chance.

Is it just me, or is it bitter in here?

I never really thought of myself as bitter or angry. I am not one of the girls who wears all black and writes really bad poetry. I guess I went through that phase, I think almost everyone does at one point. I think I did it more out of irony and because my friends were dressing in all black, with the black nails and ridiculous Hot Topic/Thrift store clothing.
I'm not really talking about that kind of bitter and anger though. I'm talking about being annoyed and disgusted when I see happy couples together, or a friend of mine that is pregnant or just had a baby. I'm talking about getting frustrated and jealous that it isn't me. 
I realize that I will get to have all that stuff one day, when God says it's time. I know it. I'm just so tired of waiting.
I recently dated a guy that I didn't have much in common with because I thought, "Well, he is the exact opposite of every single guy I have ever dated, so therefore....this relationship will have a different outcome and the only possible difference could be that this one lasts forever!" Genius I am not. It fizzled out just like every other relationship I have been in. It wasn't any one's fault, it just happened.
In the past 10 years, since I have graduated high school, the longest relationship I have been in was 2 years and that was a continuation from high school. Other than that one, the longest a relationship has lasted was, 5 months. That's it. I am looking at people I know and think, SERIOUSLY? They get to have a husband and baby and not ME? That just doesn't seem right. I will complain and moan on facebook or whatever, and people will criticize me. Now, please stop me if I am wrong, but....who cares? Who cares if I complain every once in awhile about being single? Who cares if I complain every single hour on the hour about it? I am pretty sure that whomever I do eventually marry will know me and will know that I complain, a lot. He will know that I am dramatic, a lot. He will probably have seen all the bad sides of me and will love me anyway. So, knowing these facts, why do you people care if I make fun of myself and tell me to "hide my crazy"??? I'm pretty sure everyone has already received the Tara is a Goober Memo. You don't want to read about me and my future full of cats, don't read it.
I also think that something that really bothers me is how some people treat marriage and their partners now a days. That may make me sound old fashioned but honestly! I was out with friends once and I was watching a couple that were at a table next to us. They started talking loudly about being in an "open relationship". On what planet is that OK? I don't understand. I always kinda figured its hard enough to get ONE guy, now you want me to try and keep more than one happy at a time? "Ain't no body got time for that"
Not to mention the gray areas of what constitutes cheating and Tara Doesn't Share Food Let Alone People. I just don't get it. Bitterness that people like THAT with zero moral compass are finding each other and I can't get a guy to go get some Fro Yo with me? It is ensuing. It makes me mad that people who don't cherish the institution of marriage and each other are treating marriage like a box you check on the list of Now I'm Considered A Grown Up.
Anyway...I have finally given it over to God. I'm trying to not be so angry about my failed relationships. I'm tired of putting on make up and going to bars to flirt with guys who, in all honesty I wouldn't put up high on the Suitable Marriage Material List. When I have kids I don't want them to ask me how I met their daddy and me say, "Well, peanut, Mommy used to wear really high heels and lots of eyeliner and go drink margaritas. Daddy thought mommy looked pretty through all the smoke and alcohol haze and that's how we met!"
I firmly believe that God will put the man I'm supposed to be with in my life when it's the right time and He will use some other way than bar hopping.

Been a Long Time, but I'm Back in Town

WOW!

I have been so incredibly busy I have not blogged in a long time, sorry about that guys! I am sure you are all in a huge panic and very sad that you haven't heard from me, all....1 of you. :)

Well, the school year is now over and I am at home for the summer. The year ended without fanfare or many tears. I quickly and quietly packed my things and slinked away. I am now in the process of trying to find a new job. I want to be somewhere where I am wanted. I have quite a few applications out in the universe and I am hopeful.

I've also had a loss in my life recently. My (for lack of a better term and because he may as well be) step-dad's mother passed away after a looong illness. It was and still is really sad. I hate that she is gone and he and my mom are hurting, but I know she is in a better place and no longer hurting.
I really struggled with the whole thing leading up to her death. I hated how much pain she was in, I hated that my mom and step-dad were so tired and having to watch her waste away. It just didn't seem fair. I was really frustrated that everything seemed to fall on them and no one else would help.
But. Its all in the past now and I hope that God will provide the grace, healing and strength it will take to get through this time.

I also found out that my ex (the subject of a couple of my blogs) lied to me and is in a relationship with a girl he lied to me about on many different occasions before. I found out right after I had emailed him my letter I posted last time. The pain I felt was bad, but I was so angry about him lying to me. I should have known better. I wish I didn't give people the benefit of the doubt so often. I don't know if it's a good thing or not about my character. I wish I was a little more skeptical about people and their intentions.

All in all, I have REALLY been trying to get my life back on track and get my relationship with God stronger. I feel like I have succeeded so far. I have been praying some pretty specific prayers and I am truly seeing God work in my life and answer those prayers.

I have always struggled with loneliness. I have some good friends but for some reason I have never let myself be fully candid and myself around them. I always hide a part of myself. I saw these girls I grew up with and they were all best friends. There was no doubt that they were the popular girls at school and at church. I never had much in common with them and I never felt like I was good enough to be their friend. We were nice to one another for the most part, but there wasn't a friendship. Now I have a couple of friends, but we aren't in the same place in our lives. They are getting married or on the other end of the spectrum and not anywhere close to being ready to settle down. I feel like I am in the middle. Same with those girls I grew up with. They are all married with kids. I'm left out. I feel like a puzzle piece that, no matter which way you turn me, I don't fit in any spot. I'm working on that though. I am trying to find my place.
I have been praying about God sending me a friend. Someone who will help me with my Christian walk and be a real, true, friend. Two days after I poured out my heart to God, I got an email from one of those girls I have nothing in common with inviting me to something. It felt good to be included and I don't know, maybe it's the start of something. She doesn't know it, but she was answering a desperate prayer. (she probably knows now if she read this though. lol)
Never doubt that you are needed by someone. You have no idea how just a simple email, smile, or acknowledgment can encourage a person. You may not feel like you do much good for the world as a whole, but you may just make someone's day increasingly better by just being friendly.
Since this blog is kind of all over the place I will end it here. I hope you all have a blessed day and week. Smile. Laugh. Love. Enjoy the little things, you may one day find that those "little things" were actually the "big things" that you couldn't live without.

Much Love My Lovelies!