Whatcha Thinkin 'Bout?

This past weekend I had a lot of time to think. I had a 3 day weekend and actually managed my time well enough to have a little "Me Time".
Friday I got some shopping done with my mom and Friday night was Dad's side of the family's Easter Celebration. Saturday I had the house to myself and got some cleaning and shopping done and then took a little break to sit outside and just think.
I thought about all kinds of different things. One big thing that kept coming to my mind was God. Just the thought of God and His existence and His power and Grace...it confuses me. I like to be able to see evidence and facts in front of me. For me to actually have blind faith and leap forward and just TRUST that God will be there to catch me is a very difficult thing for me to do. I WANT to believe in all of the religious stuff and I think I do for the most part. However, I have moments of just sheer frustration and confusion and I get all flustered. I see these girls I've grown up with and see their unshakable faith in God and how passionate they are about Him and their relationship with Him and it makes me jealous. How? How do they get to have that kind of relationship and faith and I struggle Every. Single. Flipping. Day.??? I will just sit on the front porch and read my bible and meditate on the words and the meanings and I will write in my prayer journal every single minute that I have the opportunity to and will pray in my mind while driving my car down 1382 (that's a really looooong stretch of road that I go down everyday to and from work) and NADA. I don't feel that Hallelujah feeling that others seem to have. I get it in spurts, I guess. Sometimes out of no where I will feel a peace or a surge of emotion. I don't get it. I don't understand how to get that feeling. I want that feeling all the time.
Now don't get me wrong. I totally and completely believe in God. With as much as has happened in my life, there is no way I can get around THAT fact. As many times as I should have gotten physically injured or lost my home or died, I KNOW someone is looking out for me and my family. But. How do I reach that enlightenment and pure joy?
I feel like if I can find that joy and get my mind and spirit right on track, everything else will fall into place. I don't even WANT to get into how much junk I ate over the holiday. I get stressed and frustrated with stuff and then I eat like I haven't ever seen chicken before.

So after all my BIG thinking Saturday, I went over to dad's and watched The Ten Commandments on TV. That's an Easter tradition in my family. We love that movie, even thought my brother mocks the special effects. Sunday was Easter Sunday. Resurrection Sunday. We went to church and I tried my best to pay attention and feel God's Spirit, because if it was going to be hanging out anywhere it would definitely be hanging out in church on Easter Sunday. I didn't feel anything other worldly though. Just regular ole church but it made me feel good and I guess that is enough, this time. Hopefully I will figure this out and be able to get my spirit right with God.

WOW.

This is a pretty heavy blog today, so I will leave you with this picture of a happy puppy.