For the Love of Family

Wow friends, I haven't blogged in awhile! Sorry bout that.
Well, my uncle had to have a heart procedure done last week and then all this week we have been enjoying the wonderful world of standardized testing. THANKFULLY...that's all over and done with.
My uncle still may end up having a bypass done but we wont know for awhile if that's the case.
Another reason why I haven't kept up is because...um...this is embarrassing, I have become addicted to The Hunger Games series. *SIGH* I know, I know! Its Young Adult Fiction and I'm supposed to be a grown up. Well, tough. I am a Young Adult if you think about it. If you consider 60 to be OLD then I'm way on this side of 60, so I'm young and I'm an adult.

I'm absolutely, 100 percent, crazy about these books. I honestly didn't think I would enjoy them. Usually when something is so wildly popular and everyone is talking about it and there are movies and memorabilia and whatnot, I'm wary of it. Nothing can be THAT flippin good.

For example, the Twilight Phenomenon. Oy! I really and truly enjoyed the books. Yes, Bella as a character was kind of whiny and ridiculous but the overall feel of the books was pretty good. Then came the movies. That's where I lost interest. I WANTED to enjoy them, I really did. I just can't stand Kristen Stewart. Eeyore and Keanu Reeves had a baby and it was named Kristen Stewart.

The main thing I enjoy about these Hunger Games books, is that the female lead is strong and that is an encouragement to young girls and older girls alike. Yes, it is nice to have a boyfriend and have a lot of friends and all of those things, but your family comes first. You do what it takes to keep your loved ones safe. I love that about this character. Katniss volunteers to take her sisters place in this stupid and barbaric tradition and essentially saves her life. She didn't do it for glory or because someone told her to, she did it for love of her family.

I love my family. They are all nuts and drive me up the wall sometimes, but I love them. I see a few of them on a fairly regular basis but a lot of them live far away and it makes me sad that I am not as close to them as I was once. When my uncle was in the hospital having his procedure done we kept everyone up to date via text messages and facebook. Once upon a time, we all would have been there in the hospital together. All 47 of us. There aren't really 47 of us, but there are a lot.  I got to feeling very nostalgic for the way things used to be. Christmas, Thanksgiving, or even just random Saturdays consisted of us seeing each other. We would all pile into whomever's house could handle us all and we would just talk and hang out. I realize people grow up and move on and move out and do their own thing. I do. Situations and people change on a daily basis.







However, as I've come to realize this, I have also realized that I need to enjoy the times I do have and the chances I get to spend with my family. Life isn't over. I'm not on the clock here. Things are not the exact same as they were in 1998, but I still have opportunities to see some of the people I love. I just have to be willing to fight for it and for them. I have to be willing to fight for the love of my family.

I am....Lovin' It?

I can do this. Easy peasy lemon squeezy...totally got it. All I gotta do is FOCUS. I can eat right, exercise and meditate and be all calm and tranquil. I am going to be so ZEN!

MMMMM....McDonald's French Fries! Caramel Macchiato! Milky Ways! Couch feels goooood. Look! New game on facebook to play! Shoot bubbles into space from a witch's cauldron? Yes please!

Alrighty. This is not going according to plan. I know what I need to be doing instead of laying on the couch watching TV. And here are my excuses: I'm too tired after work. My job is slowly making me wish I lived under a rock, in a cave at the bottom of the ocean. I am so unbelievably unhappy with my general lot in life that I have no desire whatsoever to try and fix the things I CAN fix. I feel like I'm definitely on Fortune's Wheel right now. I was up at the top of everything just a couple months ago with a wonderful boyfriend, great friends, a job that I was finally getting the hang of and now it seems to me that it all just dissolved. I can't quite place my finger on the exact moment that everything went to crap. Its almost as if it went away so incredibly slowly that I didn't even realize it was happening at the time.

I don't know. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself...I just don't understand why it is so hard for me to figure out what the crap I am doing.
Every once in a great while I make a big fat proclamation saying that I am done being the timid girl that gets walked all over and I am going to start being selfish and make myself happy. It never works out. It never lasts. I always end up being the friend that will do anything and everything for every single person in my life to make their lives better, more comfortable, etc.
I have always had foul weathered friends. These are the friends that only want me around when its convenient for them. They are only around when everything is crap and they want me to fix it. Now, don't get me wrong. I DO have a couple of very good friends who are not like this. It just seems like the majority of people now-a-days are of the "What can You do for ME" camp of thought.
I don't want to become a selfish person and only look out for what others can do for me, but at what point does it become a point of survival? Does a person HAVE to become a selfish jackal to survive in the world? Do you have to look out for yourself and not believe the best in people? All I have ever wanted was a good group of friends with zero drama and lots of love and trust. People that I can always count on and know that they will be there during the good and bad times. Not too much to ask for, in my mind, but evidently its hard to find.

As usual when I write, I go off on a random tangent that has nothing to do with what my original thought was for this blog. I don't mean to come across as hateful or depressing. I am just frustrated that no one seems to be appreciative of who I am and what I do. No one seems to understand that I am trying to better myself and change my life a little at a time and its hard for me and I could use a little support. People want to have hurt feelings and make me feel bad about things that I just don't have the energy to deal with right now. I leave you with these parting words from Plato....

Don't be judgmental. You have no idea what the battle I am fighting right now involves and we all just need a little kindness....

XOXO
Tara

Whatcha Thinkin 'Bout?

This past weekend I had a lot of time to think. I had a 3 day weekend and actually managed my time well enough to have a little "Me Time".
Friday I got some shopping done with my mom and Friday night was Dad's side of the family's Easter Celebration. Saturday I had the house to myself and got some cleaning and shopping done and then took a little break to sit outside and just think.
I thought about all kinds of different things. One big thing that kept coming to my mind was God. Just the thought of God and His existence and His power and Grace...it confuses me. I like to be able to see evidence and facts in front of me. For me to actually have blind faith and leap forward and just TRUST that God will be there to catch me is a very difficult thing for me to do. I WANT to believe in all of the religious stuff and I think I do for the most part. However, I have moments of just sheer frustration and confusion and I get all flustered. I see these girls I've grown up with and see their unshakable faith in God and how passionate they are about Him and their relationship with Him and it makes me jealous. How? How do they get to have that kind of relationship and faith and I struggle Every. Single. Flipping. Day.??? I will just sit on the front porch and read my bible and meditate on the words and the meanings and I will write in my prayer journal every single minute that I have the opportunity to and will pray in my mind while driving my car down 1382 (that's a really looooong stretch of road that I go down everyday to and from work) and NADA. I don't feel that Hallelujah feeling that others seem to have. I get it in spurts, I guess. Sometimes out of no where I will feel a peace or a surge of emotion. I don't get it. I don't understand how to get that feeling. I want that feeling all the time.
Now don't get me wrong. I totally and completely believe in God. With as much as has happened in my life, there is no way I can get around THAT fact. As many times as I should have gotten physically injured or lost my home or died, I KNOW someone is looking out for me and my family. But. How do I reach that enlightenment and pure joy?
I feel like if I can find that joy and get my mind and spirit right on track, everything else will fall into place. I don't even WANT to get into how much junk I ate over the holiday. I get stressed and frustrated with stuff and then I eat like I haven't ever seen chicken before.

So after all my BIG thinking Saturday, I went over to dad's and watched The Ten Commandments on TV. That's an Easter tradition in my family. We love that movie, even thought my brother mocks the special effects. Sunday was Easter Sunday. Resurrection Sunday. We went to church and I tried my best to pay attention and feel God's Spirit, because if it was going to be hanging out anywhere it would definitely be hanging out in church on Easter Sunday. I didn't feel anything other worldly though. Just regular ole church but it made me feel good and I guess that is enough, this time. Hopefully I will figure this out and be able to get my spirit right with God.

WOW.

This is a pretty heavy blog today, so I will leave you with this picture of a happy puppy.

First Ever Blog

I'm not an incredibly witty or entertaining individual. At least I don't think I am. I'm not overly intelligent or wise beyond my years. I am, however, determined to make myself a better Me. I am willing to read, study, observe, attempt, engage, insert your chosen verb here, to make myself happy and make sure I am following the path I am supposed to be on.

I am going to do something that no woman would ever willingly do unless a gun was pressed to her temple, and even then, she'd probably lie. I'm going to post my weight on this blog. Granted, I don't think a lot of people will be reading this so it's not going to be on Extra! or CNN, but still...I'm nervous. I currently weigh, *drum roll* 154 lbs. I am about 5 feet tall so this is not the most desired weight for me. However, hopefully with some work and dedication, this will no longer be my weight.
Here is me singing karaoke, only picture I could find that shows all of me:

I am about to make over my life. On the list is, my weight, my spiritual journey, and my strong desire to find contentment. I want to find my joy and when someone asks me if I am happy, I want to be able to say, "Yes. More than you will ever know."

So, if you want to keep up with me and my journey- I'd love to have you.

Much Love,

Tara